Our Ozark Shindig Trip: Part 2 For Women - Your marriage: Fueling the Fire - Caliente

     One of the seminars we attended while at the Second Annual Shindig by No Greater Joy (nogreaterjoy.org) was given by Nathan Pearl, grown son of Michael and Debi Pearl, who started the ministry.  He is married to a lovely lady, Zephyr, and they have worked hard at having a happy marriage, with wisdom taught to him by his mother and father, and by watching them love each other all of his life.

     Our marriages are a fire, some burning bright, and some barely smoldering.  How hot that fire is depends on the quantity and type of  "sticks" that we add to that fire.  There are so many unhealthy attitudes that are dominant in this world regarding how we should conduct ourselves in our marriages, one of them being that we are only responsible for correct behavior if our spouses are also conducting themselves properly.  For Christians, this attitude cannot be backed up with ANYTHING in scripture.  We are to treat others (especially our spouses) with love and kindness regardless of their behavior towards us (with the exception of abuse, in which case we should flee to safety and report our spouses).

     I have found in my own marriage that there is great satisfaction in doing the right thing, as unto the Lord, regardless if my husband is meeting my every need (which husbands never will, that is Jesus' job), or not.  I have actually been practicing Nathan's "fueling the fire" for quite a few years, without making the connection to that particular analogy.

     So, we can add a "desire" stick to the fire by dressing attractively and in a way that our husbands prefer.  The best way to find this out is to either let your husband pick out your outfit (and wear it without complaining) for your dates, or ask him what his favorite outfits are and wear them often.  Why on Earth would I want to dress in a way that pleases myself if the love of my life doesn't even like seeing it on me?   When I am around him, I want his eyes to find pleasure in what they see.  I can also add a "desire" stick to our fire by lavishing physical affection on him, every day, and often.  This doesn't have to mean sex every time.  Loving or heat-filled looks, a touch as we pass, and lots of kisses throughout the day are also ways to fuel his fire.  There are very few men that don't desire this, and we are just the gals to give it to him, and fill that need.  We don't want to leave them with unfulfilled needs because that's when temptation can rear its ugly head.  I can also style and wear my hair the way that he likes.  I only have to look at it in the mirror on occasion; he has to see it all the time when he is around me, and I want it to please him.  Again, if he likes it rather long, and I don't care about that and have it all cut off, I am setting myself up to have a long-haired lady catch his eye.  We should be all that he desires to the best of our abilities.

     If you have been indoctrinated with feminism, you will be highly offended at the previous paragraph.  That's okay, because my mother raised me with a bit of those ideals as well, and I have overcome them with God's help.  We should be humble enough in our marriages to fuel the fire with some effort to please our husbands.  Should they want to please us as well?  Sure.  But that has nothing to do with us doing the right thing.  In Debi Pearl's book, "Created to Be His Help Meet", there was testimony after testimony of women who followed this advice of doing the right thing regardless of the behavior of their husbands, and over time almost all of them saw a change in their husbands as they responded to the proper behavior of their wives.

   By the same measure, we can throw very wet, fire-killing sticks on our fire.  Anger, bitterness, nagging, complaining, laziness, slothful appearance, and neglect can dampen the fire of our marriage.  God wants that fire to burn HOT!  He wants our sex lives to be good;  He wants it all to be good.  Even when times are hard, the flame can burn high and bright.  It is worth the effort, trust me.  I am a former bossy, independent, unsubmissive almost feminist.  Now, years later, and with intentional effort, our fire gets hotter all the time.

Thank you, Nathan, for the fire analogy.  I will never forget it.