When You Feel Like a Failure

Have you ever felt like a failure?  I have.  There have been times in my marriage and particularly in my parenting career that I berated myself from the time I got up in the morning until I lay down at night.  A constant, silent barrage of self-inflicted insults about how horrible I was.  True story.

Life isn't always happy, happy, happy, and children don't always reflect their good upbringing.  They make sinful, painful choices, or indulge in selfish, ugly behavior that can truly make life a challenge for a time.  I have been there, and it is no fun.  I have wanted to quit parenting, and go hide away on a deserted island for the rest of my life.  What I actually did was escape 7 miles up the road a couple of times a week to a small diner to have a greasy meal, read my book, and regroup.  It helped.   It was a blessing that we had an older teenager at home who could be in charge for an hour or so.

My family has a history of depression.  My siblings have all suffered from it, and I am pretty sure both of my parents did as well, it just wasn't as obvious.  I have been blessed in that I have never had to take medication for the blues, but I think this predisposition towards depression made the hard times even worse.  If I didn't have my faith in God, I don't know how I would have survived intact.

I can feel the tug of depression off and on throughout the year, but unless life is particularly stressful, like it was during those times, I can usually resist its pull.  I may have a day or two where I am unexplainably down in the dumps, but I have a natural zest for life that normally takes over after that.

Not during those really hard times though.  That was months of turmoil.  Daily negative interactions with a certain family member, even when I tried my best to make positive outcomes.  Rebellion at its finest, and nothing seemed to be working.  Constant prayer and supplication for a change of heart.  Constant battle of wills.   Months on end of this will shake just about anyone's confidence in their ability to do anything right.

As far as I was concerned, I was a total failure.  It didn't matter that I had been teaching God's ways from the time they were babies.  It didn't matter that we had a stable, (otherwise) happy home with two parents that adored each other.  It didn't matter that I had given up any selfish ambition I might have had in life to stay home and raise my children.  To my way of thinking, I was the worst of the worst, and I didn't know why God ever gave me children to raise just so I could screw it up.

Thankfully, as things improved and we began to see the light again, I began to see how ridiculous some of my thinking was, and how counterproductive to hate myself as much as I did.   It is amazing how our thinking can be skewed when extreme stress is placed upon us.  No parent, child or spouse is perfect, and I can be an unperfect parent with unperfect children without thinking anything worse.

I would like to encourage anyone who is feeling this way, or anyone who has felt this way in the past to see it for the lie it is, acknowledge and deal with actual mistakes made, and plug on doing the best you can.  Whether it be times of trial in marriage or parenting, walk through with prayer to the One who can help until you can see the sunshine again.

I was never so glad to see the sunshine.  Things have gotten steadily better since that time, and I can only thank God for answered prayers.  Not that all my parenting trials are over, but that I learned a lesson about falling for the whispers that want to keep us from joy.  I truly can't express what a relief it is to be on the other side of that trial.  I think I'll do better through the next one, with God's help....

To protect the privacy of our family, I purposely didn't go into specifics about the trials or who they involved.  My intent was to offer encouragement to those who might be experiencing similar trials.

Blessings,
Debbie, Home at Serenity Springs